Still Breathing

BS"D

This post will contain three sections. The first section will contain some thoughts on my transition, the second section will give notice and a more factual update with respect to my transition status, and the third will contain a book recommendation.

1) Transitional Thoughts

I know it's been a while since I have posted. I apologize. Life has been hectic and challenging. Those who know me know that I am given to understatement. I am still breathing. The reason that my transition was and is necessary is because it maintains my ability to keep breathing, not because it would make my life easy or happy. And it has done just that: allowed me to keep breathing, and at the same time it has made my life exceptionally complicated and enormously difficult. And as a result, most if not all of the things that made me happy in the past have been taken from my life. And as I have expressed before, knowing and understanding the confusion, sadness, and pain that has been experienced by many of the people that I love and care about has removed any and all trace of the joy and satisfaction that I wish I could feel about finally experiencing some relief from the pain of my condition.

I still feel, believe, know, recognize and understand that I had to transition to survive, that I was unable to continue on as I was, and that the changes and challenges were unavoidable if I decided to live.

I know that while there are many people that have reacted and/or been affected negatively, there have also been people who have reacted positively and been positively affected. The differences in people’s reactions have been remarkably individual and have not been based on factors that might have been thought of as being determinative. Ie. Some very religious people have been supportive, while others have been the opposite. Some more secular people have been negative while others have been the opposite. Some people see me as a person, others see me as a blight on decent society and as an unpleasantness, some see me as a tragic figure, while some see me as an inspiration. Some know me as the same person, the same friend, dealing with an uncommon and difficult challenge and transition process, and some question whether they ever really knew me at all and feel a sense of betrayal (although not many of the latter group has spent much time trying to find out if they're right). Some people directly affected by the realities of my transition have been negative and others have been positive, although certainly everyone that has been directly affected has found it challenging, and difficult to satisfy what may seem to be competing priorities, loyalties, etc. So it seems that predicting people’s reactions is a bit of a crapshoot.

Accordingly, while it is challenging, the fact is that there are many options and unique, individual choices in dealing with me, with my transition, and with other affected people. Any approach is a choice, and some perceived implications and assumptions are not always necessary or acurate. There are not just two options, be supportive or not. There are many options, possibilities, and permutations. And avoiding the recognition of such a choice is a choice in and of itself.
I nevertheless understand that recognition of having a choice does not necessarily make it easier.

There have been small triumphs, despite the fact that they have been Pyrrhic victories... Not things that I would have historically considered triumphant, but things which are now so valuable for their rarity and significance. Such as someone interacting with me in a way that helps me feel that my life is worthwhile and that I have the right to exist. Such as someone interacting with me in a way that helps me feel that my condition is not a death sentence, or worse, a sentence to a life of torture, even though it often feels like both. I appreciate these rare and unexpected gifts tremendously. These gifts mostly support conclusions that I believe in very strongly but which, as a result of incessant challenge, I sometimes question. Occasional external confirmation is something that helps me recharge the batteries.

2) Notice and Status Update

At this point in time, I feel that it is important to provide people with an update with respect to my transition status. I hope that this will allow people to manage their own expectations, so that irrespective of anything else, people are not surprised. I began the so-called Real Life Test on July 18th, 2006. This means that I have been living in a female gender role full-time (24-7) for about 10 weeks. By living in a female gender role I mean presenting exclusively as a woman, and not as a man, in all situations. This includes at home, on job interviews, with clients, in court, with friends, etc. For information on what the real life test is, please visit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Real_life_test.

I submitted my Name Change Application on Friday, September 1st, 2006. The clerk advised me that the process takes approximately 2 months, and accordingly, I expect to receive the certificate of name change in or around the beginning of November. If and when the application is granted (IY"H) my legal name will be Neshama Nicole Nussbaum. I use Nicole mostly and Neshama in Jewish settings where I would have historically used my Hebrew name. For anyone wondering, the name Neshama is the Hebrew word for Soul, Spirit or Essence, and Nicole is a name I've always liked. I am usually comfortable being addressed as Nordi, or in limited situations with other historical names depending on the intentions of my addressor.

3) Book Recommendation

I recently finished reading “She’s Not There, A Life in Two Genders”, by Jennifer Finney Boylan. I cannot recommend this book highly enough to anyone interested. It is the autobiography/memoir of an intelligent, creative, funny and insightful woman, a successful author, and a professor of English at Colby College. She’s Not There is a wonderfully crafted book that profoundly conveys the trials, tribulations, and triumphs, that the author experienced in her life as a transsexed person and through her gender transition. The book also does a wonderful job in balancing the author’s experience with the trials and tribulations of her spouse, family, closest friend, and colleagues, in dealing with her transition.

Wishing all of my family and my friends of the Jewish persuasion a Shana Tova, Gmar Chatimah Tova, and a Tzom Kal. And to all of my friends, regardless of persuasion, you have my gratitude, appreciation, and my best wishes. Thank you!