Begin from the Beginning

"The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. 'Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?' he asked. 'Begin at the beginning,' the King said gravely, 'and go on till you come to the end: then stop.'"

-"Alice in Wonderland," Lewis Carroll

1) When did you first think you weren't like other guys?

Among my earliest childhood memories, I vividly remember crying myself to sleep every night, dreaming, wishing, hoping, and praying to God that when I woke up I would wake up right: as a girl.

Sure, everybody treated me like a boy and I looked like a boy, but I knew inside who and what I was really supposed to be. That being said, I’m not sure that I ever thought that other boys were any different than me. I remember thinking that all boys must want to be girls because obviously it’s just natural to be a girl and being a boy just doesn’t feel right. Nonetheless, I clearly understood that boys weren’t supposed to talk about feeling like a girl or wanting to be a girl, and that was just part of what it meant to be a boy. And anyway, I figured that I’d get in real trouble, not to mention be made fun of and picked on, if I ever broke the Boys’ Code and told anyone that I was really supposed to be a girl. I never wanted to shatter anyone's expectations and everyone seemed to want me to be a boy. I never wanted to disappoint anyone and to be a girl or tell people how I felt seemed like it would be a major disappointment to everyone around me.

The same went for wanting to identify/align myself with the girls. When you are perceived to be a boy, girls just understand that you aren’t interested in girl stuff. So even if I would have asked to play with them, I figured they wouldn’t have been able to understand why I was interested and why I wasn’t playing with the boys. And that made it embarrassing and difficult. I wished that I could explain to them that I was really a girl too, if only they could just see it. Attending all-boys schools from first grade through high school didn’t help me much either. That’s not a comment on whether or not sex segregated schools are a good idea, I’m just making the point that being physically separated from girls and only interacting with boys served to eliminate the possibility of discussing my feelings with anyone and reinforced the need to repress, deny, and disacknowledge my own core gender identity and expression. In general, having grown up in the orthodox Jewish community made me believe that the way I felt, and who I was, was just impossible, and how do you acknowledge something that is impossible. (I’ll probably talk about this some more in a later post).

Over time, a considerable amount of subtle (and not so subtle) societal positive and negative reinforcement was layered over my core gender identity. This reinforcement left my core intact, but fairly inaccessible and obscured, and perhaps protected in the shelter that all those layers of masculinity provided. As a result, my solidly masculine gender expression served to fend off any suspicion of what lay underneath. And my own denial and disacknowledgement were tools that served to protect my vulnerable core from exposure and threat. If you start to believe your own story about being a boy, there won’t be any questions from other people. And denial means that some form of knowledge exists, but that when it surfaces, even if it’s clear that there really is an issue, the recognition of the knowledge is pushed back under the surface.

Trying to repress, suppress, and disacknowledge my gender identity was like those horror movies where the monster is chasing the heroine, trying to force its way through the door to engulf her. It gets its tentacles through but the heroine slams the door repeatedly until the hideous beast slowly retreats and oozes away only to come back when it’s least expected, and has grown more tentacles, regained its strength, and become more powerful than it ever was before.

To describe it another way, its like trying to catch a wildly swinging 100 foot tall jack-in-the-box and then using all of your might to stuff it back down, only to have it spring out again as the wheels of time rotate the handle, as they inevitably do.

Kids are delighted when the smiling jack jumps from its box, but the thrill of it is that they never know when it will. They know its coming but the surprise of it is what makes it fun. But I had to believe that it never would. And I made myself believe that it never would. Even though the macabre music kept repeating itself incessantly. Even though the handle kept turning and turning. Because I thought that if it ever did POP my life would EXPLODE with it in a mushroom cloud of darkness and destruction. And in some ways I may have been right.

So I had to use all of my strength to force it down and bury it out of sight. Not just out of sight from everybody else, but perhaps most importantly, out of sight from myself. (But that burying took a progressively mounting toll...)

And it did POP. It did EXPLODE. Suddenly, unexpectedly, and with a tidal wave of starkness and intensity that made all of the feelings that I ever had in the past seem like a lazy river on a warm summer’s afternoon. And when it did, I knew that the heavily buttressed dam that I so painstakingly constructed had been obliterated in the swell of the rushing flood and that I could not hold back the waters any longer. And as the current surged around me all of the layers holding my masculine construction together were obliterated, or were at least cracked and damaged beyond repair. My feminine core was left standing, pristine in its delicate nascence, released from the crushing weight of the male mold that had been built over it.

To be continued…

Book Review

Here's a email I received from a recent acquiantance (an orthodox jewish type to boot).

Hi Nicole - hope you're well.

Wanted to let you know that I finished "She's Not There" last week. Very interesting read - added bonus that it was a fun, easy read.

I certainly saw many similarities between her story and what you told me of your transition (starting as far back as your childhood), the pain and real sense of a life threatened, how tough it is to get the message through to friends and family (though she seems to have had a much easier time with it than you), and, finally, the feeling of relief of being able to live as one was meant to.

Just thought I'd let you know I enjoyed the book and learnt a few things as well.

Take care,

So, if anyone's interested, you can find "She's Not There" on Amazon.com in my links section. And if you want to read another fascinating book on the subject, you can pick up a copy of the Riddle of Gender while you're at it.

Still Breathing

BS"D

This post will contain three sections. The first section will contain some thoughts on my transition, the second section will give notice and a more factual update with respect to my transition status, and the third will contain a book recommendation.

1) Transitional Thoughts

I know it's been a while since I have posted. I apologize. Life has been hectic and challenging. Those who know me know that I am given to understatement. I am still breathing. The reason that my transition was and is necessary is because it maintains my ability to keep breathing, not because it would make my life easy or happy. And it has done just that: allowed me to keep breathing, and at the same time it has made my life exceptionally complicated and enormously difficult. And as a result, most if not all of the things that made me happy in the past have been taken from my life. And as I have expressed before, knowing and understanding the confusion, sadness, and pain that has been experienced by many of the people that I love and care about has removed any and all trace of the joy and satisfaction that I wish I could feel about finally experiencing some relief from the pain of my condition.

I still feel, believe, know, recognize and understand that I had to transition to survive, that I was unable to continue on as I was, and that the changes and challenges were unavoidable if I decided to live.

I know that while there are many people that have reacted and/or been affected negatively, there have also been people who have reacted positively and been positively affected. The differences in people’s reactions have been remarkably individual and have not been based on factors that might have been thought of as being determinative. Ie. Some very religious people have been supportive, while others have been the opposite. Some more secular people have been negative while others have been the opposite. Some people see me as a person, others see me as a blight on decent society and as an unpleasantness, some see me as a tragic figure, while some see me as an inspiration. Some know me as the same person, the same friend, dealing with an uncommon and difficult challenge and transition process, and some question whether they ever really knew me at all and feel a sense of betrayal (although not many of the latter group has spent much time trying to find out if they're right). Some people directly affected by the realities of my transition have been negative and others have been positive, although certainly everyone that has been directly affected has found it challenging, and difficult to satisfy what may seem to be competing priorities, loyalties, etc. So it seems that predicting people’s reactions is a bit of a crapshoot.

Accordingly, while it is challenging, the fact is that there are many options and unique, individual choices in dealing with me, with my transition, and with other affected people. Any approach is a choice, and some perceived implications and assumptions are not always necessary or acurate. There are not just two options, be supportive or not. There are many options, possibilities, and permutations. And avoiding the recognition of such a choice is a choice in and of itself.
I nevertheless understand that recognition of having a choice does not necessarily make it easier.

There have been small triumphs, despite the fact that they have been Pyrrhic victories... Not things that I would have historically considered triumphant, but things which are now so valuable for their rarity and significance. Such as someone interacting with me in a way that helps me feel that my life is worthwhile and that I have the right to exist. Such as someone interacting with me in a way that helps me feel that my condition is not a death sentence, or worse, a sentence to a life of torture, even though it often feels like both. I appreciate these rare and unexpected gifts tremendously. These gifts mostly support conclusions that I believe in very strongly but which, as a result of incessant challenge, I sometimes question. Occasional external confirmation is something that helps me recharge the batteries.

2) Notice and Status Update

At this point in time, I feel that it is important to provide people with an update with respect to my transition status. I hope that this will allow people to manage their own expectations, so that irrespective of anything else, people are not surprised. I began the so-called Real Life Test on July 18th, 2006. This means that I have been living in a female gender role full-time (24-7) for about 10 weeks. By living in a female gender role I mean presenting exclusively as a woman, and not as a man, in all situations. This includes at home, on job interviews, with clients, in court, with friends, etc. For information on what the real life test is, please visit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Real_life_test.

I submitted my Name Change Application on Friday, September 1st, 2006. The clerk advised me that the process takes approximately 2 months, and accordingly, I expect to receive the certificate of name change in or around the beginning of November. If and when the application is granted (IY"H) my legal name will be Neshama Nicole Nussbaum. I use Nicole mostly and Neshama in Jewish settings where I would have historically used my Hebrew name. For anyone wondering, the name Neshama is the Hebrew word for Soul, Spirit or Essence, and Nicole is a name I've always liked. I am usually comfortable being addressed as Nordi, or in limited situations with other historical names depending on the intentions of my addressor.

3) Book Recommendation

I recently finished reading “She’s Not There, A Life in Two Genders”, by Jennifer Finney Boylan. I cannot recommend this book highly enough to anyone interested. It is the autobiography/memoir of an intelligent, creative, funny and insightful woman, a successful author, and a professor of English at Colby College. She’s Not There is a wonderfully crafted book that profoundly conveys the trials, tribulations, and triumphs, that the author experienced in her life as a transsexed person and through her gender transition. The book also does a wonderful job in balancing the author’s experience with the trials and tribulations of her spouse, family, closest friend, and colleagues, in dealing with her transition.

Wishing all of my family and my friends of the Jewish persuasion a Shana Tova, Gmar Chatimah Tova, and a Tzom Kal. And to all of my friends, regardless of persuasion, you have my gratitude, appreciation, and my best wishes. Thank you!

A Blog in Transition

This post will address two issues: (1) further posting by me; and (2) the comments section of this blog.

(1) Some of you may be disappointed with the pace by which I have posted. Please understand that I have many things going on in my life right now (working, living, sleeping, transitioning) and I find myself with little time to address the questions raised in the post below with the care, sensitivity and scope that they deserve. I do think that those questions merit a response and time permitting I will get some posts up in the near future. Thank you for your patience.

(2) It was my hope that allowing comments on this blog would allow people to ask questions and discuss issues relating to my transition in a sincere and mature way. By sincere and mature, I do not mean agreeing with my decision to transition. Indeed, some great comments and questions were asked, both positive and negative to my experience. Unfortunately, however, many comments have had little to do with the purpose of this blog. To the extent that the comments have lost focus, I take some responsibility for not posting and providing substantive material to discuss. In any case, I have decided to disable the comments feature on this blog. Perhaps I will re-enable the comments when I post again or at some other time. In the mean time, should anyone wish to ask me any questions or send any comments, feel free to contact me at "alifeintransition at gmail dot com". For those who did post their honest feelings - no matter the substance of their comments - thank you for your contribution.

As I wrote in the comments, I am not forcing anybody to visit this blog. If you are interested in my experience, please bear with me while I find the time and energy to post.

N.

Prologue

BS"D

KSHEHGL”E.HSTUFY”T.

So here is an email I received from my friend Kenny. Kenny has spoken to several people about my situation and he compiled several of the more frequent questions that he has been asked. Of the questions that are posed, some of them easy, some of them are a little complicated, but all of them are fair. It seems that, the questions that he raises are many of the questions on most people's minds.

Kenny Silverman
to me
Jul 16, 2006
hey...

here are a list of questions that many people have asked me.

1) when did you first think you weren't like other guys?
2) how come you never told anyone about what you were going through?
3) why did you get married?
4) when did you realize that you have "gender identity disorder"?
5) why do you dress like a woman? isn't it enough just to "know" that you are a woman?
6) what are you doing to become a woman? medication? surgery?
7) what should we call you? he/she? nord?
8) how do you reconcile your judaism with transsexualism?
9) what should we tell our kids?
10) what do you consider your sexual orientation?
11) i want to learn more about gender dysphoria. what resources do you recommend? websites? books? movies?
12) do you plan on staying in toronto?
13) where do you see yourself in 10 years?
14) are you still way too laid back?

feel free to post this in whole or in part.

Kenny

In the next few days and weeks, I will address these questions as best I can. I’ll start with the factual/simple ones first and then I’ll deal with some of the more esoteric issues. I will try to balance the requirement of sharing personal information (ie. info with respect to my marriage, my family, etc.) that may be necessary to give the best or a better answer or account with the perhaps greater requirement of respecting the fact that some of the details are private (although not secret or scandalous), not my independent right to disclose, and not for public consumption. It is not my intent or desire to embarrass or hurt anyone with my transition or this blog, or make anything more difficult for anybody to deal with.

I will also try, as much as possible, to respect other people’s privacy, and unless someone posts using their real name, or emails me to say that I can use their name, I will maintain their confidence. I do not intend for this to be (as much as possible) a sensationalistic account of my life, but a personal and sincere account of dealing with my life, gender, and transition.

I will also try to deal with other people’s comments and questions as they come up as best I can. If there is something I write or a point that I make on the blog that seems troubling, (aside from the main premise of course), I would appreciate it if people would comment and ask me to explain before drawing any conclusions. This is a complex topic, and the intersection of different levels of information makes it difficult to communicate clearly about. So I’d appreciate the benefit of the doubt at least with respect to the interpretation of what I write, and the chance to clarify anything ambiguous or unclear that I may inadvertently write.

While I’m not going to start addressing the questions right now, I want to provide you with the following introduction so that you have a general sense of where I’m coming from in approaching this blog and my transition:

I know, understand, and appreciate that the situation is shocking, very difficult to understand, and intensely confusing to everybody within my family, close friends, and to the broader communities of which I am a member. It makes me so sorry to know that so many people, and so many people that I care and love deeply, are experiencing confusion and pain, and I would do anything I could to prevent that or make it better. For me this is a life and death situation. With the help of psychological, psychiatric, and medical experts, as well as many others, I have explored every other realistic way to continue to live. If I felt that there was any other way for me to continue to exist without transitioning, I would never have risked everything that I had, friends and family that I respect, admire and love, and who are the most important people of my life. I would also have never done anything that might ever be a source of any degree of shock, confusion, and pain to the people that I most love and care about.

I am acutely sad and distressed about how difficult, painful and confusing this is for the people that I love and the people that love me. If I could have continued living without making this change, even if I could have continued living and had an unhappy life without making this change, I would have. I tried. I tried for about 30 years. And repressed and denied, and buried and dis-acknowledged, and suffered. And if this is confusing to you, it is in some ways (but not in many others) more confusing to Transpeople themselves. I share many common experiences with other individuals that have this condition. Many of them have been confused by their gender dysphoric feelings, confused by their bodies, confused by societal gender expectations, and confused by their experience of being born in a body and being assigned a gender at war with their gender identity. And many have tried to live a life consistent with the gender assigned to them at birth. In fact many transfolk marry, have children, etc. until something snaps and they cannot continue.

To survive, this is the treatment that I must undergo and the change that I must make. For me, if it is a choice, it is a choice between life and death and a choice of life over death. PERIOD.

And while I am intensely sad about each and every iota of pain that people may experience, especially those closest to me, I cannot decide to put myself in a position of risk. I understand and believe that the preservation of life is a religious imperative as well as a personal one.

If this were any less than a real life and death situation for me, I would not be doing what I am doing. The price that I am paying is way too expensive for anything but my ability to continue to live. Of this, the loss of nothing less than a soulmate is nothing less than excruciating and devastatingly heartbreaking. Moreover, understanding the pain, confusion and sadness that she has experienced has made the situation all the more excruciating and heartbreaking to me. Not something I would choose, but in the direst, most drastic and life threatening of circumstances, a consequence of the reality of my gender dysphoria. (More about this topic in a later post).

But the condition of transsexuality is a life threatening medical condition for which gender transition is the medically indicated treatment. By life threatening, I mean that left untreated, it is often FATAL.

I certainly do not recommend gender transition for fun, nor in fact for anything but the most serious cases of gender dysphoria. It is a very difficult and disruptive process, not to mention expensive, and may lead to a challenging life. But a challenging life it is better than a fatal alternative. Transition is not about happiness. There were many, many, many, many, things in my life that made me happy. Transition may not help me be happy, but it has and will continue to allow me to live, to live without the same degree of the constant, intense and profound pain, anguish, and suffering of gender dysphoria… To find some modicum of relief. Not happiness.

(Although in the process perhaps greater congruity and authenticity as well.)

This is not a rejection on my part of the faith and community that I come from. Judaism remains the same central focus of my life. I have the same values that I did in the past. And in fact, I believe that the approach of Jewish tradition and Halacha is not as clearly condemning as may be generally thought, or at least, may recognize the efficacy of gender transition as changing Halachic Gender Status. While Halachic/Jewish issues will be discussed in a dedicated post, (see question 8 above), a review of Beth Oren’s website (Beth's Page) will give a good deal of background on some of the Halachic issues. In my recent experience, I have met or heard of tens of transitioning and post-transition men and women who are from Orthodox or very traditional backgrounds, some of whom remain observant and committed (so while transsexuality is a rare condition, although less rare than we think, it does not seem to affect the Orthodox community any less than it does the general public). While I don’t believe that my transgender experience, in and of itself, has made me significantly more religious or observant, it also hasn’t made me less religious or observant, or changed my values or beliefs. In fact, in some ways, it has strengthened my faith, and I have a renewed interest in learning. And certainly, my Jewish beliefs and values have been central, significant, and an informing factor in arriving at the decision to transition.

This is also not a matter of sexuality, fetishism, or desire, nor in my belief (as supported by medical evidence and research) a matter of mental disorder, but a bio-psychological condition. (More on this later, but if you’re interested I would suggest the book The Riddle of Gender by Deborah Rudacille (Amazon.com - The Riddle of Gender) as well as many other web and journal resources, some of which I will post on this blog.). Gender dysphoria affects people from all walks of life. Doctors, lawyers, accountants, scientists, etc., as well as many other very admirable people that haven’t had it so easy. Transition can provide very positive results and allow people to continue to live, thrive, and contribute to their spouses, families, friends and communities (as just a couple of many examples you can visit my friend Dana Beyer's site, (Dana's Site) as well as Beth Orens' site (above), both of whom I admire greatly).

I know, understand, and appreciate that my situation seems terribly shocking, intensely confusing, and seems perhaps unfathomable. In establishing this weblog and by discussing issues related to the major change that I am making in my life in an open, sincere and honest manner, I hope that I can, in some way, help myself be more understood, and help to address the issues that people are dealing with and thinking about.

One final point I’d like to make is that while I may seem to be a different person, I am still, in fact the same person. If I was silly or funny before (questionable), I am still silly/funny. If I was smart (not meaning to be presumptuous), I perhaps still am. And if I was ever kind, sensitive, patient, fun, trusting, trustworthy, genuine, educated, levelheaded, loyal, respectful, or sincere before, I am still all of those things. Nothing about transition or being a woman says that I can’t continue to be all of those things. And I am not transitioning despite all of those qualities, but in fact, because of, and utilizing (at least trying to), all of those qualities.

(As a side point, although far less significant, :), I still have most if not all of the negative qualities that I’ve had in the past ie. Often very late, and slow, and stubborn, and very imperfect, etc. etc.).

So I hope to have the ability and chance to expand on some of these thoughts and feelings in the coming days, weeks, and months. I thank you in advance for your respect and civility, and for your sincerity and interest in visiting my blog and in posting your comments.

And even though Avot says first things first, I’ll begin by answering Kenny’s last question.

14) Yes, I am still way too laid back :)

Coming Soon...

For anybody wondering what's happening with this blog... I've been pretty busy lately, but I hope to have my first real post up here next week. Until then, comments and or questions are welcome.

Welcome to my weblog, "A Life in Transition", currently under construction.